Dirty talk is a welcome addition to many sexual relationships, but it has to be done the right way, especially if your partner is female.
With the #MeToo movement connecting stories of harassment through the world, people’s views of many different sexual acts, including dirty talk, have changed. Recently, a poll gathered 57 women who were in their 20s and 30s and asked them what kind of dirty talk, if any, they would like to hear. 92% of these women reported they enjoyed dirty talk during sexual relations, but 22% said they negatively viewed the way dirty talk was used after the #MeToo movement.
One woman said she feels uncomfortable with some words that are used during dirty talk and because words reflect the belief of societies, she has been challenging these words. Another woman said she becomes defensive when she feels a word is too aggressive.
But, what about you? How can you talk dirty the way your partner would like? Here are some ways you can use dirty talk your partner would like. The seven ways highlighted below were gathered from women and sexperts.
#1 TALK ABOUT IT
Amie Harwick, Ph.D., says that you should discuss dirty talk before sexual relations commence. These preferences are different from person to person and should be clarified before using any.
The first thing to do before any sexual relations is to discuss it. There is nothing awkward about discussing sexual relations. If you can have sex, then you can talk about it.
Megan Stubbs, a sexologist, says that when you are beginning the conversation about your partner’s preferences for dirty talk, focus on your partner, not yourself. Avoid becoming defensive.
You may use a line like, “I read an article that said some women do not enjoy dirty talk. Do you? And if you do, what kind?” This is a great line to show your partner you are curious about their desires.
#2 ADD SOME SEXTING
Many Americans, 74%, have sexted with their partners. This is a great way to add some dirty talk into your relationship, though not during the sexual relations. Often, you may have some idea of what kind of dirty talk your partner prefers. Sexting is a great way to put your fantasies into words and get the response of your partner.
Some partners may prefer sexting over dirty talk. They may just want to enjoy the sensations while you are in the mood or they want to stay in the moment. For some, dirty talk during sexual relations may seem like a play-by-play listing of the actions you are doing at that moment, while sexting is all about anticipation.
#3 START SLOW AND FOLLOW
After you and your partner have voted yes to dirty talk and sexual relations, now it’s the time to add it in in teaspoons. There is a lot of dirty talk that does not have any offensive language in it. For instance, you can say, “You feel amazing”, or “It feels great when you wrap your legs around my waist.” These are very sexy and harmless.
After you have added some dirty talk to your activities, monitor your partner’s response. If he/she begins talking back to you dirtily, displays heavy breathing, and comes closer, he/she likes what you have said, according to Stubbs. If your partner looks frightened, offended, or tenses up, stop and ask for feedback. If your activities are already well underway and going positively, this two-second interlude will not ruin everything.
#4 WATCH YOUR TONE
When talking dirty, keep everything very playful. For many women, your attitude is a big turn-on or turn-off. If you say something with an angry tone this can really make her unsexy or offended. No matter how hot the activities are going, keep your dirty talk playful. If you notice that she does not like what you are doing, apologize, and make a joke. This may lead to laughter and the two of you can continue with what you are doing. Always remember that sexual relations are meant to be fun. They are not supposed to be like sitting in a History class. If you like History, then they are supposed to be just like that. Stay playful and have a great time.
#5 DO NOT TELL YOUR PARTNER WHAT TO DO
In many scenes of dirty talk on television, one partner is telling the other partner what to do. This should not feature in your dirty talk unless you and your partner have agreed upon this behavior before sexual relations begin. When you tell your partner what to do, this can put pressure on them to perform acts they may not want, which will ruin any pleasure for them.
This behavior is abusive, not sexy. To stay within the shades of healthy dirty talk, make playful comments about your partner’s sexiness or how much you enjoy an aspect of their body.
Rather than demanding they do an activity, like, “Go down on me.”, it is better to suggest the activity, respectfully, like, “I have been really distracted all day thinking about you going down on me. It’s really sexy when you have your lips around me.” This tells your partner what you would like, but does not place pressure on him/her to perform the activity.
If your partner does not perform the activity, despite your suggestion, do not get angry. They do not have to perform any activity they do not want to and you do not either.
#6 DO NOT USE BITCH, SLUT, OR WHORE
Women, especially, do enjoy varying degrees of dirty talk. Some enjoy degrading names and others hate it. Still, it is best to avoid these derogatory names when first beginning a relationship or within your current relationship, unless you and your partner have openly discussed the usage of words like these.
These words can make your partner, male or female, feel like they are only there to satiate your needs. Also, and especially for women, these words are the pinnacle of hatred and sex-shaming for women in society. So, unless your partner has given you complete consent to use these words, don’t.
#7 “DADDY” AND “LITTLE GIRL” IS NOT SEXY
For many people, not only does the term “Daddy” conjure up unpleasant images, but it can make your partner feel as if you are putting them in the submissive position. This is a big turnoff and not just because it adds family members to your sexual relations. Avoid this term.
“Little girl”. Your partner is a woman, not a little girl, so unless you have discussed this terminology and she would like you to use this term, avoid using “little girl” or “girl” to describe your partner.
Acknowledge her womanhood with terms such as, “Goddess, Queen, Beautiful”, or something of that nature.